“I have a friend name Alexus, but she more like Abuick”

Today’s line comes from a comedian I once heard in passing on Comedy Central as I was flipping through the channels. I would love to tell you her name, but no one on the internet must have found this line to be worthy of noting.

Speaking of names… what is up with names parents come up with anymore? There are certainly enough names out there to give a child and still be unique without having to make something up. I would know, I’ m somewhat obsessed with baby names.

 A particular name reaching its peak during the 80s and 90s happened to be Jessica. Granted I happened to be named after Jessica Savitch, the Diane Sawyer of the 80s. Either way, it’s still a pretty common name, and it wasn’t very uncommon for me to have close to five other Jessica’s in one of my classes growing up. But now, people ask me, “How do you spell that?” Really? I shouldn’t have to spell my name, however thanks to the all the girls named Jes or Jessika, I do.  The company I work for provides engraving on most of its products, so as not to offend, I ask how customers spell certain names… They too give me strange looks as to why a name would be spelled any other way. I should just share “JeweliAnna” with them, and I think they would begin to understand.  That’s a real name apparently.

For the most part, weird *ahem* unique names, with “creative” spellings could be attributed to certain ethnicities and certain cultures, but with a name like Apple, Gwyneth Paltrow brings to question just how crazy white people can be. My boyfriend also shared the story of naming his son – this one made wonder why some people are allowed to reproduce. Apparently his son’s mother wanted to name him “Butte” and not because of Montana. So then where did the inspiration come from for such a lovely name? Beavis and Butthead. In an episode, one of them gets a tattoo that supposed to read “Butthead,” and was spelled wrong.  I’m not even sure what to even say or think about that one.

What are some of the up and coming crazy names you might not know of yet? Well here’s a list

 

• Alfe (that fuzzy, loveable space alien from the late 80s?)

• Caillou (Inspired by the Charlie Brown wannabe from PBS)

• Chardonnay (Obviously a child of classy alcoholics)

• Apple (How, generic. I’m surprised no one has gone with Macintosh, Granny Smith, Washington Red, or Red Delicious)

• Story (Not even a character from one, thank Jenna Elfman for that one)

• Chartreuse (Perhaps a pretty name, but an ugly color)

• Casper (The friendly ghost, but sounds more fitting for a dog)

• Clementine (Getting a little more specific, still close to calling a little girl “Fruit”)

• Alabama (Who wouldn’t want to name their child after everyone’s favorite redneck, confederate flag totin state?)

• Tao (I suppose this one was created by those new-age religion philosophical types)

• Wednesday (Although she was a dark and morose child, she was still kinda cute. More people are going with Sunday, clearly honoring the Sabbath)

 

But I must ask, what where these celebrities thinking?

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale named their son Zuma Nesta Rock 
             (there’s an explanation behind it, but it’s still stupid)

Matt Lauer of “The Today Show” and his wife Annette have a son named Thijs
             (that’s not a name, just a bunch of consonants thrown together)

 

Then there are the names that people give their children, thinking that they are ever so clever. These are names like Lexus/Alexus, Mercedes, Kia, Porshe, Dodge, Ford, Royce, Aston, Bentley, Infiniti, Benz, Lincoln, and Chevy – obviously all cars. But then there are names like Coco and Armani given to children. The best explanation to try and rationalize naming a child after an expensive car or someone famous, is that parents often hope that the name will bring their children greater things in life.  

 

At what point do we say “enough?” Is it before or after automobile manufacturers offer compensation to parents who name their child after their product? I suppose it also doesn’t help that radio stations have been known to take on the name change gimmick in exchange for money.  Do you know how many people changed their name to ridiculous things such as “Obi Wan Kanobi” for $1,000? By the time you change your name legally, in addition to changing it on every government mandated document, you’d probably be spending about half of that.  I feel bad for Pepsico, who’s mother chose that name because the company gave her a free gym membership. And I thought being named after Jessica Savitch was terrible… What is the world coming to that we have to start naming our children after the products we use? And if companies really start offering compensation for selling the rights to our firstborn’s name to them, especially with the future economic crisis looming on the horizon (more people will be following the ‘if it’s free, it’s for me doctrine),  are our children ultimately doomed?

 

Honestly, I’ll just stick with recycling old names that haven’t been used in awhile such as Giavanna or Lauralie. That way my child can go by something like “Laura” to seem normal, or use their full name to be unique. 

Moral of the day: Just say no to branding your child, especially if it means they have to suffer a lifetime just because you got a free gym membership out the deal.

 

For more on “unique” names check out:
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/WolfFiles/story?id=116513&page=1

Coldplay’s Chris Martin shares what he thinks about names:
http://www.usmagazine.com/chris-martin-defends-weird-baby-names